can i just have one more moondance wih you. `my love.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

i think everyone faces their own fair share of problems so i cant complain. last year the CAC mentioned something during morning prayer that i still remember, someone out there is fighting a harder battle. so what do i have to complain about? i should count my blessings instead.

my parents are strong Christians who encourage my faith and they provide a comfortable life.
my sister wakes up early in the morning just to go to work with me, ties my hair for me (in a bun) and puts make up for me (because i am retarded in those areas). that is 1 hour plus earlier than her usual reporting hour.
my brother does alot of things for me. like taking things for me, massaging my back and my knee, lending me his mp3.
i am close to my grandparents. (those who are still living) at least i enjoy a good relationship with them and they arent like foreigners i only get to meet every cny.
nim bev and i are still close. and nim is going to nus with me!
evelyn is going to nus too. and she reminded me of stuff i forgot about the camp..
joy makes me aware of the things that are unpleasant about myself.
shalom is wonderfully supportive. chuili, loo, joy, jo, cynthia, xian, abi. and hopefully lynn, soon.
i love my work! my great colleagues who give colour to my work.
zhong. though we sometimes dont even communicate, but i always know he's there.
i am not plagued by grave illnesses.
i have constant exercise buddies!
my stnicks friends are my constant sentosa buddies.
i have a hp. and a digicam (which i have claimed as mine)
i am going to nus and able to study what i like!
my friends in china still remember me.
i have savings.

stuff up there are so random and incoherent. and of course i could say much more, cos every small thing is a blessing. like how i've never been robbed and never been mugged and how i know that they probably mean the same thing. then, of course i could count the bad things that happen to me but then that will make my life seem SO miserable when it actually is blessed by God.

i dont like the smell of rotiboy. though it's supposed to taste really good. but the smell is truly suffocating.
then, at least i know what rotiboy smells like.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 31.5.05

i jus realised that ur sis super looks like ur sis. cos for awhile i thought that was ur sis

hahahh dengzhi you get free publicity for stoooopidity.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 31.5.05

Monday, May 30, 2005

back.

bali was exciting! relaxed.. but after a while, there is too much slowness for my liking. the lethargy. it's so slow that it gets tiring. i just kept sleeping. each time we got onto the van, i slept. until we reached our next destination for sightseeing. i would just walk around and admire SLOWLY. then head back to the van and sleep again.

our tourguide was really interesting! he's SIXTY SEVEN years old. that is like, amazing. and he's still fit and has no white hair! he still goes bungy jumping too! he's especially learned as well. he knows many languages. and chinese as well! and because we're chinese, he spoke to us in chinese most of the time. and i find that especially commendable.

the hotel accomodation was great. their motto was simple, unique and friendly and i really think they adhered to it. the staff were so friendly. everywhere were smiles and greetings. the hotel building was nice as well. more modern and pop art kind rather than grand and magnificent. it was welcoming and relaxing. like the minute you see it, you cant help but smile and feel relaxed. haha some hotels, when you look at the building, you're in awe and you cant keep your mouth shut. but this one, you just cant stop smiling. because everything is ORANGE! hahahah anyway.

I WENT PARASAILING!
finally! shiok man. but then, the journey was rather short. i wish it could have been much longer. hahah still, it was an experience never to forget. way up high above other people, the boats, the sea. like flying. whee.

we went shopping too! as expected. then i felt quite bad for spending, so i stopped spending.

pity i didnt get to tan much. mum was too concerned i would get skin cancer. so i had to leave the beach. but then i went back to the hotel swimming pool where we did aqua areobics with the hotel staff! hahaha SO funny. quite lame lah.

i still dont like areoplanes.

thank God for this wonderful trip. it was fulfilling in many ways! just a pity i couldnt really find a long period of time to have solace with God. cos things were either rush from venue to venue.. or just worn out and sleeping.
i'm going back to the heart of worship.
where its all about You.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 30.5.05

Friday, May 27, 2005

oh my! i just got spammed! this is quite cool. cos i wanna experience all kinds of stuff in life at least once. if not then life wont be exciting. so yea! thanks for providing that experience.

it's ok. i know what i do, and i know my friends know who i truly am. so for those who wanna believe what michelle says, then go ahead by all means. cos if you dont believe me first then you're not my true friend. byebye.

mmm i'm excited! i am off on a holiday. BALI! whee. and who cares if you wish i would get bombed. hahaha i'll pray for you.

i know i always have one special friend. who will be true to the ends of the earth and will never ever change.

duhh michelle. people change.

but then my friend is not a person.
have a nice day! (:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 27.5.05

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

i'm such a fool. honestly, i should just shut up sometimes.

so much has been happening. all i can say is that it seems like i'm revisiting. that time, i was sec 3. now it's like, again. how weird can stuff get. but then, i dont think i am anywhere near.

gee. sounds confusing? i'm sorry.
i talk with no coherence. literally.

so i shall try not to be a fool and shut my mouth. then maybe this particular person can get on by better. i'm really sorry, i am. i saw it in your face that you were kinda annoyed. and i know you have the right to be hurt and put off by what i said. i was insensitive and wasnt thinking. i will apologise to you tomorrow. and i pray that God allows things to be fine.

God grant me the right things to say at the right time. i need Your guidance. please, God. only You can put things right. i pray that he will not hold anything against me and that everything will be alright. i am sorry for being insensitive, please forgive me. i surrender my guilt up to you, for i refuse to let it get to me. i will not be defeated, for the son of God is my hope and my strength.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 25.5.05

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

sometimes we cant understand why things happen. i find myself trying to look at the positive side of it and try to give reasons why i ought to be at least a little positive. but i cant really do so. i mean, just look at benjamin. my heart breaks. he couldnt even look up at anyone last night when we walked round aunty jackie's coffin and shaked their hands. i really wanted to pass on the sincerity and genuinity of heartfelt condolences to them, but somehow i knew that was inevitably impossible. there was a long line of people. so many people walk pass them, so many faces, so many words. but did they really take heed of anything? i mean, a whole lot of words mashed together becomes virtually meaningless. if i were the grieving person and a long line of people come and offer me words of comfort, honestly all that will just fall flat onto the ground. i tried to be sincere, to let pastor hong remember what i wanted to convey for a long time to come, but i dont know if that really happened.

my heart just breaks when i see the five most precious guys in auntie jackie's life standing there receiving those condolences that we try to make sincere. i am just too sad. personally, i dread thursday. because thursday is the day when auntie jackie will be cremated. then that will signify the end of the funeral. and that will probably mark the significant drop of human traffic into ps hong's life. this is what i think. like, when everyone hears about the demise, they come in hordes to the funeral. and it's really heartwarming to know that so many people care. but will that care be shortlived? after the funeral, after the end of the whole procession. after the final farewell, will people still care? will people still come in hordes? i experienced it before. my grandma, my grandfather, lorr. people just stop visiting, stop coming, stop asking if you're ok. and you just want to be stuck in that moment of mourning forever because you miss the person who passed away. but then other people move on. other people just walk on by and leave you standing alone.

please dont let that happen to ps hong and his four children. please continue to love them and show our care. dont leave them standing alone. make this transition easy for them, for they are precious. and auntie jackie loved them dearly.

my heart goes out to you,
pastor hong
issac
daniel
david
benjamin.

one thing that consoles me though, is that we know auntie jackie is well and healthy now. she is dancing and laughing. she can see, she can walk. and she most definitely is smiling. yes, it's physical loss. but it's spiritual gain.

Lord we need wisdom. we need Your peace and Your love to envelope pastor hong and his four boys. please keep them safe. embrace them, love them. for we know that they are in Your hands. Heal the wounds, Father. free them.
in Jesus name i pray, amen.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 24.5.05

Saturday, May 21, 2005

i am mad. i am not even home packing my bag now. i am in a foreign building yawning my eyes out. i am supposed to be home packing my bag for my trip tomorrow. i should be asleep, getting the rest i will need to be energised for the camp the next three days. but no, i choose not too. oh fool.

and yes, my font is WEIRD! i get what you mean, yunx! as in, i'm viewing my blog from a different com so i get what you mean. i shall just change it to the biggest font. aight? hahahah like, explode it or something.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 21.5.05

Thursday, May 19, 2005

just one more day. thats 24 hours! and that is SO exciting! i think the anticipation for stuff makes me more excited than the thing itself. like, what to expect, imagining how fun it will be but somehow being unable to really picture it.

i was talking about the c3 retreat! overseas, desaru, malaysia! whee. (:

anyway, i worked a record of TWELVE hours yesterday. SEVEN to SEVEN. someone tell me i'm not mad. ohmygoodness. i couldnt walk properly when i got off the bus at my bus stop. SO tired. yes, i didnt announce i got a new job on my blog previously. it's been three weeks already. waitressing at a five star hotel. really fun! but oh man, SO tiring! though i feel pretty rich. whoohoo.

but i think i will become poor again. i ~~stupidly~~ said i would treat brandon if he hit a certain criteria for his emaths exams and he did! oh no oh no. i have to treat him now! anyway, i dont know whether i'm happy or not. cos i did try to help him quite a bit with emaths. i dont know if what he got is considered ok, or good or bad. i only helped him for three weeks. maybe i'm expecting too much. but i kinda gave him an target to aim for for his end of year emaths exam. i really hope he can put his heart to it. (:
at least for now, let me count how many coins i still have.

congrats to jie whose group got into the microsoft competition thingie. if they get into the grand finals, they will go to JAPAN! and they will win an all expense paid trip there. AND. a creative zen each! oh man. she did hint something about giving it to me. wahahhaha. but maybe she plans to give it to my brother. but considering my brother has this quote that he keeps saying, technology will fail us one day.. HAHA. zens are technology gadgets, my sweet brother. (:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 19.5.05

Monday, May 16, 2005

my grandfather could have been so much more. he could have gone around the world, exploring, reaching his potential. he could have been a famous philosopher; the modern day confucius or the likes. he could have been a great scholar and share his genius with the world.

but he chose to stay at home to take care of his family. he chose to stay in a coffeeshop to cook. he chose family over self potential.

he was someone who was well-educated, learned and possessed great wisdom. he came up with his own philosophies, and wrote them down using calligraphy. he was amazing at that. furthermore, he was bethroned to my grandma who was illiterate. imagine, he could have felt so suffocated. my grandma couldnt read or write at all. yet they stuck together like uhu glue. when my grandfather came from china to work in singapore, they were separated for 10 years. yet he wasnt unfaithful to her at all. most men would come over to find a mistress. but he didnt. he honoured that sacred marriage vow with my grandma.

in some people's eyes he could have been foolish to do so. in some other's eyes he could even be seen as given too much credit than what he supposedly deserves. but in my eyes, he is just that great and awesome. he sacrificed his books for a lifetime of sweat, heartaches and sheer hardwork. in my eyes he is the epitome of wisdom and family wholeness.

when my grandfather passed away, my grandma couldnt tear herself away from the coffin. they were matchmade, yet they loved. and when my grandma breathed her last, my respect for them couldnt go anywhere but heavenwards.

together, they build a home. a family, a unit of love. (AND, they cooked the greatest dishes ever.)

just standing there before their niches yesterday, my heart was full.
(:

19 may 1998
and
10 june 2001

i can only smile. (:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 16.5.05

Saturday, May 14, 2005

i am sad. my blog template was meddled with. not sure exactly how that happened. but the stuff that i edited and my brother helped me revise about the template is now half gone. ughh.

can someone please help me? help me make a new template or something.. someone who is like extra free or doesnt mind helping me. cos i am pretty IT-illiterate, at least in making templates. Please!

thank you in advance! (:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 14.5.05

i went wakeboarding AGAIN! oh man oh man! i am such a happy girl! and i actually proved myself at it! ahh. this rocks. but it's really expensive. so can only go once in a while. and when the other wakeboard fanatics are free. haha

sorry evelyn i didnt call you down! it was really last minute and we hit the max of people already. next time, surely! you'll be among the first i call ok! promise. -wriggles pinky. (:

ok seems like dengzhi is gonna buy a boat and learn how to drive it and then we can all use it for free. right? right? .. right.

ok i am rocking side to side now. the after effects of being out in the water for so long, as the boat rocks and rocks. SO uncomfortable! i dont like this feeling. grr. bah.

i am surely going wakeboarding again. though my shoulders are gonna ache the next day, i drank loads of salt water, and my eyes sting from the seawater. but i am still happyhappy!

whee.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 14.5.05

Sunday, May 08, 2005

flea: boo! ur da greatest esther alive! no other esthers i knew can match up to u...ur da sunshine in my life...n my angel in disguise =) so u rock in ways she may not rock as well as u do. ^^

aww man. hhaha flea i lurrrve you too! so sweet. ahh like, melt. (:

anyway,
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

today my mum wore the PINK-based top and PINK shoes that my sister and i bought for her. then she borrowed my PINK earrings and carried her PINK bag. and she looked like a taitai - a beautiful taitai that i love!
(haha she didnt look as bad as you imagine/picture. honestly, she looked nice)

anyway this thought suddenly came to me today. i am really willing to die for my grandparents. i am willing to take the knife for them. like, honestly. this did take me by surprise too cos i'm not the REALLY bravado kind! hahaha still.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 8.5.05

Friday, May 06, 2005

badreams.

i had bad dreams the past two nights! nightmares. scary stuff! stuff that make me feel so worried! growl.

two nights ago, i dreamt that my face got contorted. i dreamt that my face was being pulled in both directions at my cheeks/sideburns there. and my eyes became like slits and i couldnt open them properly. then the muscles at my nose were scrunched up and hurt like mad. there were the aching kind of pain. and my lips were obviously being pulled into a big long line as well. i just looked hideous. i was SO sad. it was physically hurting. and emotionally harmful. hahahah. but in the dream i remembered someone praying with me, for me. and that person was praying that i would be healed. then i remember andrea goh in the dream! she was walking around the school (stnicks) with me, not despising me because of my looks. cos i got the impression that people were shunning me. or maybe i was just hiding away from them out of fear of rejection and ridicule. then part of the dream consisted of me walking along the corridor of stnicks beside the dnt rooms there with church people. and i remember telling dengzhi that esmond looked like him. wahhahhahahha. ok that was the funny part of the dream.

anyway, i woke up and was terrified. i even went to the mirror to check out my face to see if it was contorted or not. hahhaha ok. paranoia. to the max!

the second dream. this was just this morning. i dreamt that it was the church youth camp already and i was trying to explain the games to the campers. then that particular game required some props - flour, paper plates.. and then to my horror, i found out that none of the camp committee members were around and worst still, andrew (who is in charge of the logistics), wasnt around and neither were the props/logistics! i freaked! i was so scared cos the campers were waiting expectantly to play the game but they couldnt because there was nothing to use in the game! and then i was running frantically around trying to call andrew and find the stuff. and then i even saw samuel chin and adrian goh as co-leaders for one of the groups! wahhaha. anyway, there was this part of the game which included this huge structure that involved people being strapped up and pulley-ing themselves to the top. like those rope adventure kind of thing. then there were four people on it already and they were getting themselves to the top. i only remember darryl ho and gerald sim on that thing. then i was asking them to come down and i was (stupidly) standing right below them and gerald let go of the rope too fast and came crashing down onto me. that was when I BROKE MY HIP BONE! ahhh. i even saw it jutting out! oh man. i really freaked out. then i wasnt even brought to the hospital cos it was being delayed. like no one thought of calling the ambulance. my parents just carried me to the basement of the church, like going to get the car to drive me there or something. hahhaah. then i remember someone else taking over two teams to explain to them the game. and it was auntie susan! samuel chin's mum. haha! anyway, in the basement i met kaixin, jose, tav and chris. hahha my sec 1 and 2 classmates. they were doing some science-y project. and jose tried to prescribe cough mixture to me. hhahaha oh man that is a funny dream! like the part where the camp had no logistics and no camp committee member could be found, and i broke my hip bone - all those stuff are scary. but the whole dream is actually quite funny! i just realised. hahhaha.

ughh. i cant reply my email! boohoo.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 6.5.05

Thursday, May 05, 2005

yay!

i just went to evelyn's house to bake today. SUPER fun! hahah we made marble brownies which look really yummy and taste even better than they look. haha evelyn and i are professionals. we are great cooks. yes, evelyn? yes.

i was finally able to read my email and read that special mail i was trying to read but was unable to. i suddenly miss someone alot. but i may or may not meet that person again. probably end of the year? i dont know. but at least that person still cares. (:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 5.5.05

Monday, May 02, 2005

the weekend has been good! filled and packed with stuff. that's the way life should be. always having things to do. i met brandon for maths again on sunday and today. wahhh. quite ok but he was constantly distracted AND kept needing to eat. God granted me patience. (:

service on saturday was good, yewling leads well; elder dan speaks well. haha i look at YM and find it really interesting cos now there's like a defined structure and conduct that we carry ourselves by. like when i was sec1 and 2, we didnt even have a youth ministry. we joined the adult service. and cellgroup was basically just the three of us, chuili, evelyn and i. there was not much of a sense of belonging anywhere. but gradually, a YM evolved and now i (and i think all the other youths as well) have somewhere to belong. even if some of them dont really feel that belonged as compared to others, at least there is somewhere to belong to in the first place. wanting to come for service then becomes natural. praise God for all that! seriously amazing. and the transition of things were not that obvious to me. it takes retrospect to put me in perspective. hahaha these things always do.

during cellgroup, my uncle messaged me and said "granddad and grandma are proud of you getting into NUS and they are in heaven smiling now.. Praise Lord Jesus Christ". the message really made my heart swell with bursting happiness and tugged at my heartstrings. i am so blessed, so SO blessed.

after cell was my grandfather's birthday. this is obviously a different grandfather from the one in the previous paragraph. that's maternal grandparents. this one is paternal side. haha anyway i think my paternal granddad was pretty happy cos we showed that we really care about him and his birthday. almost everyone from the external family turned up with GOOOOOOD FOOD! wow. the spread was amazing, as usual. haha i am so happy cos both my external sides of the family are such good cooks. my grandparents were into the food business last time anyway! haha my maternal side grandparents worked in a coffeeshop and their speciality was always their hainanese chicken rice. my paternal side grandparents owned a fruits stall last time. it was near my house and we usually walked there to get an apple or orange to eat. hahaha i love my two sides of the family! my two cousins and i interviewed my granddad about how he feels. haha it was quite funny cos my cousin was pretty shy. but she works as a deejay! haha anyway the birthday cake was SUPER. my aunty baked it and it was reallyreally good. SO tasty! haha i even went for seconds. and people know that i dont eat alot. but anyway these days my appetite is GROWING at an alarming rate. soon, i will bloat and fill the earth.

sunday i went to tutor faithfulnest at EIGHT THIRTY AM again. helped them with maths and science this time. we managed to cover 3 whole chapters of science! wowhee. hahah but as usual, they were BULLYING me and CLIMBING ALL OVER me. and POUNCING on me and MESSING UP MY HAIR. still, they're pretty endearing. susanna makes up funny words in her own language! haha super funny. as yes, i will still say. you all are MAD. haha but i still LURRRRRRVE you all. wahhaha.

went for second service again, then had lunch with rachel and evelyn. haha it was like back to old school. the three of us who were there in the beginning of the cellgroup when it first started. we had camp committee meeting and i thank God for all their precious inputs because we wouldnt have two major games to fill if not for them! hahahah ok fine, thank you pengenwei. even though you told my sister i talked alot during the meeting. i couldnt help it, i had to explain the prog cos i'm in charge of the prog? ok i shant talk about it anymore cos it's dangerous ground to tread. like enwei's my sister's bf and evelyn's brother. ANYWAY. wah they were using like funny computer games terms that i didnt understand so evelyn had to stay back for five minutes just to explain everything to me in laymen terms. ahah thank you EVELYNPENG! i lurrrrve you. haha (:

went for my maternal side family's family dinner at night. the cousins all packed into jo's room to discuss our item for father/mothers day. YAY! so exciting! haha we are planning to put up an item for the adults. it's gonna be hilarious. haha we watched a bit of ice age after that and I LOVE SID THE SLOTH! he is the ultimate cuteness. hahah and diego is actually quite ~~handsome~~.. ok what are you talking about esther tan, he is a SABRETOOTH TIGER!

my nose is still giving me the boot to enjoy a running/stuck nose in life. boohoo.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 2.5.05