can i just have one more moondance wih you. `my love.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

i dont want to think about you.
i dont want to think about how you left.
but i am so scared i will ever forget how you sound
i am so scared i will ever forget how you say
"hello esther"
or how you sound when you laugh
or how you look when you smile at me.
i dont want to think about the time you left
but it is so hard when that's the only way
for you to remain in my heart

i just want to let go and move on
but i dont ever want to let you go.

i dont want to remember you
because it makes me sad
but it makes me feel even worse
if one day i try to remember
and i realise i cant

it hurts me to think you are gone. forever.
this form of farewell is just the worst.
those tears shed over you will never be enough.

i should have gotten over this long ago. is half a year considered long enough? i still miss you so much. what makes it worse is that normal daily things keep reminding me of you. i cannot forget you at all. yet i dont want to be sad anymore. i want to move on. but it seems like i just want to wallow in sadness forever. because that is probably the best way to keep in touch with what makes me remember you.

~~what would you be doing today if you were still alive?~~

i wish i could just call you up and talk to you and have you respond from the other side. i wish i could still hear you say "hello esther" again. i wish i could message you and you'd reply. i wish you would message me and say "hi esta, i'm here!" again. i wish i could have said a proper goodbye. i wish i knew what you thought when you left. i wish i could know if you thought of me before you slipped away. i wish i could make a bigger difference in your life. i wish i helped you before it was too late. i wish i could stop these tears because they wont help me get you back.

you're gone.
forever.
are you happy now?
i dont even know where you are.

i miss you.
more than anyone can ever tell.

why did you have to go.
but i will never ask you to come back. that would be way too freaky. i know you will NEVER come back.

the only way you can live now
is through my memories

Godrocksmysocks (: - 31.3.05

I BOUGHT A NEW PHONE!

i am so superrrrr happy! and i bought it with my own hard earned money too! wheeee. God rocks, for providing! just last night i was just praying cos i feel terribly broke from the lack of income. i have no money for simple things. and furthermore i wanted to purchase a new phone cos the old one was really breaking down. reception was bad, i couldnt hear sometimes when people called, the battery life was limited, and the volume key was malfunctioning. but God provides! truly truly. and it's a flip phone somemore.. haha most people would know how much i've been wanting a flip phone! tralala. God is so good.

anyway, i'm super encouraged by so many people around. as in, their blogs. they really really really love the Lord. and they really show it on their blogs. wow (:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 31.3.05

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

my smiles.

my whole body is aching! like craaazzyyyyy. especially my shoulders and neck area. plus my butt and my arms! but it is certainly worth the while, righttt?? right? yes yes!

I WENT WAKEBOARDING!

yes i did! i went yesterday with belinda, hy, evelyn and loo! so super exciting! bel rocks, she was the one who introduced it to us. and it was so fulfilling! i mean, i never did really think about it before i went. i never did think of going before. but it's these kinds of sporadic stuff and spontaneous involvements that really get me all up and happy! praise God it didnt rain. and none of us met with any serious injuries. it was so fun!

we were out at sea for about 3 hours.. evelyn and hy are super fast learners! they are power man. exponential learning curves. belinda was naturally good. she's done it before. i kept falling down and losing balance! haha but at least i managed to be able to stand up real fast. just that i couldnt maintain it. but when i finally did, i was grinning to myself!

the water is super gross though. i drank down one huge gulp when i fell once. then all the other times it either went up my nose or into my ears. so gross. haha

anyway it wasnt even sunny so i couldnt really suntan or get anywhere close to that. haha what a waste. and joy couldnt join us cos of orientation. but it's ok, joy! there's always next time! and i promise i will go with you when you want to!

anybody up for wakeboarding again? call me!!

-

there's youth camp to plan for. whooo exciting! good thing there's another project coming up so i wont indulge in my post production blues and mope around. haha! and of course there's the post production party!

calling all cast and crew!
everyone who was involved.
bouncers and makeup people too!
8 april, friday
7pm
andrew law's house.
$4 each.
a few of us will be providing the food. so you just provide the mouths and the money.
and we'll all provide the fun together!
and brandon will have to provide his ipod for songs.
(:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 29.3.05

Saturday, March 26, 2005

13 13.

all glory goes to God. for He is the one who made things happen the way things did. and it was just such a beautiful masterpiece. things just turned out so well. just the few things like technical glitches and not having enough chairs in the hall. wow. we sold every single ticket we had. 394 tickets in all. leslie even went to print more. i am just truly amazed.

but there were more than 394 people in the hall, definitely! so i think my dream kinda came true! we did hit the 400 mark! PRAISE GOD!

but praise God more for the 26 who took that step of faith. it's so overwhelming!

Godrocksmysocks (: - 26.3.05

my thoughts.

i am a look-back person. i look back on the past and cant let go. i grasp onto the past and refuse to allow myself to look forward. but somehow in the midst of looking backwards, i get inspiration to look forward. but things are just so different either way.

STRANGER is over. no more. ziltch. zero. and i am feeling weird. i am happy it's over but yet again i feel so sad there's nothing more to it. no more late night rehearsals, no more nonsense fooling around, no more rehearsals camps, no more laughing at ben's laughter or ian's falling down and his gross baguette. no more laughing at min chieh's super acting and shrill voice. no more teasing robyn and amos. and especially jonc's tender-loving-moo for his betty. no more joking with the backstage people about famous amos. no more conversing through the secret agent black coloured thingie. no more getting frustrated at people who dont pay attention. no more having to go berserk when four or five people approach you at one time from all directions, in hope of you attempting to help solve their problems or queries and hopefully make life better.

i just miss it.
too much.

HAII.

i am just always like that. after any production i do. i just get a double whammm of post-production blues.

but i just take comfort in the fact that there will be more stuff to come. there will be the time when we can plan other activities - youth camp, youth ministry anniversary item, church anniversary item, christmas. performing arts ministry could have a part to play in these things.
and that gets me smiling once again.
there's always next year.
but next year is a year away. that's so long.

yet i just still cant let go.

thank you everyone.
the sign language, dancers, actors, PA crew, backstage crew, bouncers, food and beverage pair, ushers, ticketing and registration pair, choir, pianist, soloist, make up artists, committee members, senior advisors, emcee, table and chair arrangers, runners.
everybody.
thank you for the memories.
you've made a difference in my life.
you made STRANGER what it was.
and i thank God for that.
i thank God for you.

(:

Godrocksmysocks (: - 26.3.05

Thursday, March 24, 2005

PRAISE GOD!

praise God STRANGER is looking up. we're progressing. though minimal increments at a time, but at least we're not heading into the wrong direction!

praise God i am getting back on track. i've learn so many things from this whole process and i will never trade it for anything. i am just reallyreally glad i did realise them now instead of later.

praise God mich and i are totally fine now. so much for the hostility between us. things are resolved in the presence of God. and things are A-ok. it's just such a pity we waited till now then we settle the problems. basically because we both detest confrontations. but as co-leaders of this event, unity's the key. and i'm glad unity's between us now. and not the uncomfortable miscommunications. i am so sorry for not putting things right before the eyes of the Lord. i am glad God forgives.

praise God for the many people who have responded to come for this event. for everyone who has said yes, or pending, or even no. at least something was said. and i praise God for the youths in YM who took the step of faith to invite their friends.

praise God for the stage lights being in working condition. though the ones on the right wont be working on friday. but i praise God even though they will cast shadows on the actors' faces. i praise God because if we didnt have all those problems, we wouldnt continue seeking God and trusting Him and praying.

praise God for michelle, nicole, liting, jolene, shihui, judith, sammie, maricar, andrew, serena, leslie. for their continual support and fellowship. i praise God for their willingness to sacrifice time to settle the nittygritty things of STRANGER. i praise God for bringing them into my life. for i learnt manymany things from them.

praise God for shalom who took my frustrations, tears, rejoicing and turned them into thanksgiving and prayer requests before our HeavenlyFather.

and i also praise God for He Himself. for being real in my life. for teaching me and opening my eyes to so many things. for not allowing me to go astray, further than i already have. for teaching, rebuking and training me through the people around. for guiding and listening to my cries. and not answering me sometimes because
HE HAS SOMETHING BETTER FOR ME!

i praise God i am still alive today!

Godrocksmysocks (: - 24.3.05

Monday, March 21, 2005

my exhaustion.

i am so bummed. exhausted. fatigue-ridden. ughh. not exactly the best of feelings, uh-huh. there are so many million things i have to attend to. but actually i dont mind. cos i enjoy doing it. i just wish i had more energy.

anyway i havent even applied for uni. HA.

there are so many things going on now, i dont know what to blog about. my rashes are acting up again. and my face seems to be breaking out. i reckon its just stress, exhaustion, not enough sleep, tension and yes, the weather. HAII. i am a sad person. it just itches, itches, itches.

i am actually pretty scared cos of STRANGER. i mean, things seem to be going fine. but yet there seem to be so many things unsettled. and so many people to deal with. this cast and crew is by far the biggest ever. 93 people altogether. never before! whoohoo.

i hate pride. do you? and i cant stand having to deal with pride - my own pride and other people's pride. it's a bad demon that terrorises me.

i feel so guilty for getting angry at the cast and crew on saturday night during rehearsal. but they were terribly noisy and wouldnt keep quiet. i guess sometimes it's just hard to draw the line. if i'm nice, people may like me but i dont get stuff done. if i'm fierce, people say i'm PMS-ing and cranky but i most likely will get stuff done. where to draw the line?

so well, i was not too pleased with them. i told them to keep quiet a few times but they still resumed talking and making noise after a while. and so finally i raised my voice and told them to shut up. and if they wanted to talk, they should just leave the hall. i mean, i think it was fair and reasonable. but no, they didnt think so. they just said i'm cranky and PMS-ing. i think that was just really unfair. i mean, it takes two hands to clap. i must have had reasons to be fierce right? it's not as if i already shouted at them the first time round. and it's definitely not the first time they make so much noise and i ask them to be silent. HAII.

my dilemma.

i need someone else to be the disciplinarian.
i dont like doing the dirty work. HAII.

but then i actually did feel guilty for raising my voice and getting angry with them. they definitely have a changed impression of me now. and i'm not exactly very pleased with my own conduct and behaviour. i feel guilty because i wasnt in my optimum mood during saturday's rehearsal. i was tired and sleepy and not my happy self. there were just too many things bugging me. i hadnt consulted God about many things and did things with my own strength. and thus i felt so bad. right now i still feel a bit bad for being so cranky.

God, please forgive me. and i need your strength.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 21.3.05

Sunday, March 13, 2005

can i just have one more moondance. with you, my love. says:
OH anyway. guess who messaged me on friendster. you wouldnt believe

sooo exhausted! says:
urm.............. tan jek suan

sooo exhausted! says:
hahahahahhahahahahahhh

can i just have one more moondance. with you, my love. says:
HAHAH

sooo exhausted! says:
fine!!! no clue?

sooo exhausted! says:
i want a clue!

sooo exhausted! says:
it could be president bush for all i know!

sooo exhausted! says:
or your mother!

sooo exhausted! says:
haahahha

ooo exhausted! says:
ok from cj?

sooo exhausted! says:
guy?

sooo exhausted! says:
o uncle sam!

sooo exhausted! says:
pai chong ying!@ hahahahahahaa

that way JOY guessing who messaged me on frienster.

haha and for the record, it was elle. yea. i was surprised.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 13.3.05

Thursday, March 10, 2005

i'm ok.

yes, i am ok. i am back to normal. thanks for your concern, if you did show them to me.

haha my special thanks to joy who tolerated my nonsense bouts of fear and dread and then happiness. and watched alias with me! (:

and thanks to chuili who reminded me that our God is above all ways and all things and He certainly has better plans for me. that i need not worry even if i am not good in econs and maths because they are part of my PAST. no more of those torturous things in uni for me, please.
dear maths and econs, rest in PIECES. byebye and farewell.

and also to evelyn, thanks for cheering me up. and telling me stories about jason. HAHA. and making me laugh with your stories of blurness. i am lost. serangoon sucks. (:

then to loo, yes i feel like a bird. haha thanks for your concern. and oops, we missed the last lesson ever. but i am still happy now.

and thanks to bevdear. who listened to my sad story though you're hurting within too. but i am glad i still went to meet you despite me being tired. and i am glad we watched hitch. hahah it was worth the money and worth the lateness. because we had a good time destressing by laughing nonstop. monday, yes? lovelove.

and to nim, my beloved. haha *how could i live without you..... you always cheer me up no matter what. when i talk to you i feel happy already. haha its your insanity that keeps me sane.

to my sister also, who didnt comment when i told her about my crying streak. i love you for that. at least you didnt think me mad. maybe you did, but thanks for not saying it out. i am truly sorry i made you wait and miss the bus when all i wanted to do was hide under my blanket in the corner of the room, which i did. thanks for understanding.

to everyone else who tolerated my nonsense, my muddleheadedness, my forgetfulness, my frustrations for the past week or so. i am reallyreallyreally sorry. especially the cast for Stranger. yes, i am sorry.

well here comes the climax.

I QUIT MY JOB!

whoohoo. now may i hear those cheers.
yes, i am happy.
i am free.
like a bird. (yes loo and samchin.)

-beeeeeeeeeg grinn.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 10.3.05

Monday, March 07, 2005

i suddenly feel so depressed. i keep crying.
sometimes i hate myself for acting like everything is alright. i hate it when what i show outside doesnt reflect what is within. i hate it for all the smiles i show when i am actually breaking inside. i hate appearing so strong when all the strength i have only allows me to crumble in a heap on the ground. i hate the constant reminders around me that exclaim in my face that I SEEM TO NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

i thought i could find some peace at last. i thought i was happy with what i got. i thought i could stop comparing myself and then realise that we are all individuals special in our own ways no matter what.

all the smiles and excitement i showed seems to have disintegrated over the past two days. i cant help it.

~~why am i so stupid.~~

Godrocksmysocks (: - 7.3.05

surrounded by Your glory
what will my heart feel
will i dance for You Jesus
or in awe of You be still
will i stand in Your presence
to my knees will i fall
will i sing hallelujah
will i be able to speak at all

worship on saturday was just too awesome. the whole moment, the whole time, i could only feel God's absolute love that i still cant comprehend. i was crying. it wasnt just tears streaming down my face. i was practically crying, the loud sobs kind. that's a first during worship for me.

i just couldnt stop saying thank you, Lord.

thank you Lord, for granting me relatively good grades that now i can enter the university, faculty and course of my choice. though i'm still quite undecided about it. i need advice!!

i feel like my being keeps doing somersaults. i am just absolutely confused. everything's jumbled up. right now, i just want to crawl back into bed, snug in my quilt, cry my heart out, then sleep the day away.

i dont even know whether i am crying because i am happy or because i am sad. i am just so overwhelmed.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 7.3.05

Thursday, March 03, 2005

and yes, the talk of the town now. at least in my town. results are out tomorrow.

but i dont fear. i dont fret and proclaim on my blog about how dead i will be. and how scared i am. because i am not scared.

ive got the peace of God. and that is like no other kinds of peace i can ever receive.

knowing in my heart that God promised,
For I know the plans I have for you,
declares the Lord,
plans to prosper and not to harm you
plans to give you hope and a future.

i just know in my heart that even if i do badly, God has a plan for me. i dont have to worry and cry and not be able to sleep tonight.

what i am just afraid of, is people's reactions. imagine if i do badly. people will be sure to talk.
esther studies so much, she stayed back so much after school everyday, she was always at the foyer studying, she's a mugger, all she does is study,
and yet she still cant get triple A?
she must just be plain stupid.

that is what i cannot face. humiliation. but it is inevitable. i already got that during prelims, when i go BBO and i heard that people were saying, what happened to esther? i thought she studies alot? how come only BBO?

HAII. that's the way of the world.

but that aside, when i think about me getting my results, i dont fear. because i know in my heart that there's nothing i can do about it even if i fear. HAHA. the old adage. yet people succumb to otherwise. not for me though! i am happy and prepared. i havent even been thinking about it. it's only when i go and remember it on purpose then i really remember. but other than that, i dont!

i have too many things on my mind already anyway. no space for fear.

i am actually excited. haha yea excited! excited to see my classmates and friends again. excited to go back to cjc again. excited to see mr fahy and mr thomas ho and brother paul and dont know who else.
~~i am even excited about what to wear tomorrow!~~
oh no, that thought SO did not cross my mind.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 3.3.05

i know the Lord loves me ALOT. and that is without a doubt. so no matter what happens to me, i know the Lord has plans for me.

Lord i know why you put * to be alongside me. so that i can learn how to be tolerant and patient. but Lord, should i tell * to quit it and back off? should i tell * that i cant handle it anymore? should i talk to * and tell * everything i feel? that i feel stupid, dumb and absolutely unnecessary. that i feel invaded, violated and outright put down, written off.

i dont want to be humiliated. i dont want to be opposed like that. i dont want to have to grit my teeth and tolerate whatever * says and throws in my face. i dont want to have to shut up and listen to * put my ideas down and make me look like a fool.
i dont want to be upset anymore.

Lord grant me the love you have for me, that i can show it to *.
~~i just need it for another 21days.~~

Godrocksmysocks (: - 3.3.05

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

.

duane is so lame.
check this out ->> click

haha duane, free publicity for THE MAN.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 2.3.05

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

.

i am eating a freezing banana now. i almost didnt know how to spell banana. but my senses tell me this is correct. i put the banana into the fridge yesterday and forgot to take it out to eat. so it was left there with another banana for company in the middle of the night, in the cold fridge. i wonder what they talked about.

my nose is still PMS-ing. ever since forever long ago. probably my whole life. its just been more blocked than ever since i returned from china in december last year. two months plus already, mister nose. it's time you stop throwing your tantrums.

many people have adviced me to see an ENT doctor (ear-nose-throat) and get the operation done. i'm scared. i heard its something about sticking something up my nose and shaving the bone? then sticking another thing up my nose to vacuum up all the shavings. and the whole operation's done only with local anesthesia. GROWL. i cant deal with that. imagine being able to hear the drilling and shaving and sawing and dontknow what else. i'm already freaked out. so pretty please, if i do consider going for the op, please give me general anesthesia. BIGSIGH.

-

Godrocksmysocks (: - 1.3.05