Friday, February 25, 2005
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did i tell you my mother rocks?
she's my amazing mother. haha (:
she cut my hair and i LOVE it. -superduperultramegabiggrinn.
it's very much shorter now, but i love it. lovelove.
my fringe falls down into my face and covers my right eye but i still love my hair. and i can just have that i-just-woke-up-and-got-out-of-bed look because my hair is pretty messy. ha. pun on pretty. so i am a happy girl.
we went to sentosa on wednesday. sab xiu wen xt and i. neo couldnt join us because of work. and kang obviously didnt join us for dinner. growlllll. but we had fun recalling the past and just talking. about latino hunk and OOP and super and mr cher and clement ong and other nonsense.. and i got veryveryvery slightly darker. but nothing much and it has subsided.. because we sat in the shade. xiu is just as bimbotic, wen is disappearing, and sab is just sab with longer hair. haha (:
then yesterday, thursday, i finally met up with my deardear nim dora and bev! finally! after about a month plus? ahh. time spent together was good. went to watch ray. RAY ROCKS! everyone has to watch it! i LOVE gospel and black music. its just so uplifting and family-ish and woah. especially the part when ray's little brother died and they had the funeral procession thing in the church. the whole church was singing and harmonising and it was just beautiful. then ray's mother walked down the side aisle to the front, crying so hard and looking so wretched. it was just such a beautiful moment. it reminded me of a certain someone and a certain funeral.
overall the show was just plain great. except it was a little too long. haha two and a half hours! totally didnt expect it to be so long. but i totally enjoyed all the singing and jamiefoxx's impersonation of raycharles. jamie foxx looks and acts so much like raycharles himself, its so uncanny.
met xiu and serena in town too. and though xiu and i saw each other just the day before, we still ran to each other. hahahaha. and poor xiu's voice is disappearing..
saw marie as well! ahhh! marie ng! its been like, more than five years since i last saw her!? oh man! at first she couldnt recognise me. haha i dont blame her. people do change over a span of more than five years you know. haha she hasnt changed much, no wonder i still recognised her.
i feel like eating chicken rice now. with alot of chilli.
-
Godrocksmysocks (: - 25.2.05
Monday, February 21, 2005
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it was the ultimate strange day. so weirded, frustrated, spent. yet i dont know how to describe what and how i felt. it was weirded, frustrating, and exhausting, yet it isnt the correct description.
the ulitmate strange day, was yesterday.
likewise, i went to khamkee again. but it was quite troubling.
firstly, i experienced this chinese new year tradition steeped in religious connection. a lion dance troupe came to the coffeeshop and did some ritual blessing thing. they trooped over to the altar in the coffeeshop and burned some incense sticks. then subsequently went to every stall to "bless" the stall for good fortune and prosperity throughout this new year. the lion followed the leader, together with the constant dong-chiang-ing and beating of the big drum. i was so disturbed. disturbed in the sense that i couldnt hear the orders of customers. and also spiritually, emotionally disturbed. my boss edmund, who's a christian too, didnt allow them to come to our stall to "bless". he reminded me to pray against it. i did, but even i felt it wasnt a good prayer against it. i didnt do a good job and im utterly disappointed.
thereafter, i felt terribly troubled and uncomfortable. it was a horrid feeling.
not only did that cause unrest. we had some internal conflicts in khamkee itself too. i couldnt stand it at all. i mean, i wasnt directly involved. but when two of your co workers dont see eye to eye, it could cause others to feel uneasy too.
then there was this lady who was super insulting to me. it wasnt my fault at all. she ordered soya chicken. so i told -- she wanted soya chicken, i told -- quite a number of times, even asking him why he was giving white chicken to someone else who ordered soya chicken too. but -- kept saying he will settle it. so fine, i left it. then the lady's order came back because she was really given white chicken instead of her soya chicken. and of course to her it looked like it was my fault because i was the one who took down her order. then so after we changed chicken for her, she asked me for black sauce. so i wanted to get a saucer of black sauce for her but i couldnt reach because there were people in the way. but she took the whole bottle of sauce from me. and two seconds later, came back with a spoon of oil and asked me bewilderedly, "what's this?!" well duh it came from the black sauce. obviously there's oil inside. in chinese it's called 'hei you', which is for a reason. 'hei you' means black oil! so i poured a proper saucer of black sauce for her and when she took it from me, she said, "are you new here??"
woah. i totally didnt expect that, much less deserve it. please, dont be so nasty. and even if i were new there, dont need to be so condescending just because i'm serving you. you're not superior just because you dont have to stand behind the counter and ask what people want to eat but instead get to be choosy and picky and hard to please. we working in coffeeshops dont deserve being looked down upon. we are as much human as you are. probably even more, since you could talk so inhumanly. it's a pleasure to serve, so let's keep it that way. dont make us think otherwise.
i'm really upset now. i'm not even angry. i'm just really upset because i can imagine all my coffeeshop friends get treated like that. they face so much of these kinds of nasty people that they're probably numbed by it. and that makes me even sadder. they certainly do not deserve being treated like dirt by customers who lack a bit more understanding and moral ethics. no one is superior to people working in coffeeshops. we provide food for you to eat or you would otherwise starve, so just eat it and shut up. and besides, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
then, there was this guy. dressed all smartly and nicely. he came by and gave his order halfway. said something like, "i want half a chicken. and rice. and vegetables too." then without telling me whether he wanted white chicken or soya chicken, how many packets of rice, white rice or chicken rice, the amount of vegetables, he just said, "yea, just like yesterday." DUH. i wasnt working at kham kee yesterday. how would i know? and he wasnt really friendly about it. i had to probe further and ask questions to clarify. but he turned all nasty and just said, "like what i ordered yesterday!" then i went to scoop rice for him and i said, "one packet of rice?" but no, he frowned and said 2, in an unpleasant manner. "just like yesterday. yesterday i came and ordered!" well after i got him his rice, i had to say something about his unreasonable demands so i told him, "sir, we have alot of customers. we cannot remember everyone." but i praise God i didnt do it insultingly or irritatedly. i told him with firmness and the intent to show him it was rude to be so unreasonable and to stop throwing his weight around. he just nodded and continued frowning. but i suppose he got the message.
haii. unreasonable and condescending people. i get so many of those kinds. but then i do get those nice ladies and gentlemen. there was a lady who automatically paid extra to me because she ordered something more expensive and i collected less money from her. then there were little boys who were so adorable. and the old couple with white hair who totally touched my heart for i could see the love and mutual affection still present between them. i get people who understand why i tell them sorry about having to wait. they smile and say "it's ok". then there are people who smile at me when they recognise me because they came a few times already. these little things warm my heart and makes my experience at khamkee worthwhile.
if it weren't for the Lord, i would have crumbled and quit long ago. God grants me immense tolerance. my eyes are so opened to the ugly side of singapore, the side who acts high and mighty and as though we owe them something. who turns their nose on us and frown when we mess up their orders A LITTLE. like too much gravy, too much rice, meat not fatty enough, meat too oily.. them who detest us for not listening to them. like duh. we dont like you as much as you dont like us.
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Godrocksmysocks (: - 21.2.05
Friday, February 18, 2005
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there are some stuff i wanna write but i just cant. not here. and probably never say it out. i mean, word does get around. and scarily so. i cant take the risk. growl.
on another note, good friday stuff is kicking off fine! more than fine. because God is the master of it all and He is the one whom we're doing all these for. and that gives us much more meaning in working so hard and cracking our brains and not getting enough sleep. i mean, if i were asked to slog so hard for the world, nah-uh. totally a no-no. i wouldnt even work half as hard. but for God, i wouldnt mind doing five times the work. not simply when i need to. but i want to. nothing beats doing something for the Lord, knowing what we reap will be eternal treasures for what we sow.
this saturday is the second drama rehearsal. i'm quite scared we're being overly ambitious about the whole thing. is it truly too much? God please speak to me now. tell me, lead me, guide me.
i dont know, but it feels like this period of time is when i need the Lord more than ever. my A level results are coming out and i need guidance about what to pursue in uni. i need to decide now! so that later on when i'm applying i wont be anxious and kancheong with only barely a week to decide. ultimately, i want to major in english, literature or theatre. but i dont know how to go about studying and deciding which course etc.
ok there are three areas. english, theatre and literature. these are what i would love to be studying in uni.
option one: major in theatre.
pro: i love theatre. and considering my my immense interest and passion for theatre, i could end up doing pretty well. and i will make myself do well. go the extra mile, dont mind the tough work, because i love what i do.
con: the scope is too narrow and even if i graduate with a theatre degree, my options for life are limited.
option two: major in english.
pro: scope is wide. options are rather vast. and i could still be the english teacher i want to be. my language proficency in english is not that bad either. so i wont have such a hard time.
con: i dont know noun, pronoun, verb. well, this wasnt emphasised, taught, reinforced to us when we were younger.. so i'll have to put in extra effort to revise my basics. my interest for majoring in english is just, bland. i mean, it's not like i super look forward to it or anything. it's just like plain yoghurt at room temperature. with just a little sugar.
option three: major in literature.
pro: i love lit. lit is fun! challenges my mind and requires me to think alot. which i like to. as in, i like mind boggling stuff that require solving.. and i find myself being able to do pretty ok in lit too. and i believe i have a very strong foundation built already with fahy in JC.
con: i am able to do pretty ok in JC lit with the help of fahy but will i be able to do likewise in uni? lit is very tough. and though i like to challenge my mind, i dont feel like doing so as often as it'll be required of me in uni. lit is also very tiring. and i'm not guaranteed i will do well.
what a headache. i need advice, guidance, help.
results are probably coming out.. 5march? that's about a little more than two weeks.
Godrocksmysocks (: - 18.2.05
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
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this is an official big
thank you!
to evelyn peng wei zhen.
thanks for coming down to accompany me at khamkee on sunday.
if not i would have been utterly bored that my tears would have gushed out
and they would have flooded the place
and people would not have roasted duck rice to eat
but instead have soggy duck porridge to drink.
you are the shining beacon in my darkest hours
the star atop the roasted pork
the soya of the soya chicken
my knife, my spoon, my fork
ok. i think you're cringing.
ha ha.
Godrocksmysocks (: - 15.2.05
Friday, February 11, 2005
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my family and i went malaysia today. just for the sake of a one-day holiday, shopping, relaxation and fun. yes, it was fun. we kinda bought many things; my sister and i brought my brother on a mini make-over. yes, it was fun. we ate at george and dragon; the food was great. yes, it was fun.
today marks the first time i've gone to malaysia after 29 sept, 29 sept being the day i went to malaysia to attend lorr's funeral.
death is something people do experience. with the most frequent one being grandparents. parents, uncles, aunties, friends. people do experience them. and it seems like you're not the only one experiencing such thing, ever. but when it really does happen to you, it seems far more personal and upsetting than ever. it makes me feel all alone.
i wasnt really thinking much about it when i reached malaysia. before we got into the car to travel there i was kinda thinking about it. and it was that kind of feeling whereby i was intentionally thinking about it and kinda 'experimenting' with how i would react if i thought about it. then when we did enter malaysia, i promptly forgot all about it.
but when the thought did return to the unforsaken place in my mind, it was sudden, abrupt and right in the middle of when i was walking past a few shops, out on the hunt for more. it came without warning, right smack in the middle of my mindbank. and i went cold within.
lorr died.
it was an unfriendly moment, with me disengaging from my own consciousness, and utter dread taking presidence over my being. i felt completely washed out from within.
however, the moment was transient, fleeting. and went by faster than i thought. perhaps because i wanted to let it go as fast as possible. and let it fly out the window of my mind's eyes. i didnt want to see the painful memories. i didnt want to remember.
so fast as it came, it went.
but night fell. after dinner, we were heading back to singapore, full and contented after our delicious dinner. my dad drove the car out of the parking lot and passed by the rows of private houses. they were mostly dark and kinda deserted, but for a few lonely lights lit to chase away the fears of solitude darkness. it was then that the thoughts rushed back once again. this time, full force, with no interruptions, and absolutely no mercy. wholesome vengeance. i was thinking, could lorr have lived in one of these kind of houses? the state of the houses there reflected my exact state of mind. lonely, deserted, but for a few lonely lights of hope lit to attempt to chase away the fears of solitude darkness.
i sat staring out at the dark space that zoomed past the car window. bouts of wretchedness gripped my heart, as the pitch black void thumped in tune with my heart.
memories of lorr kept flashing through my head. and it all just made me sadder. it certainly didnt help that i was listening to my discman which kept belting out happy songs. sometimes happy songs just dont do it for you? and try as you might, they make you sadder.
but then this song came on and the lyrics went "
how would i live without you"
the intensity of the emotions choked me. i terribly wanted to cry. my face was already cringing in preparation of the tears that threatened to escape my eyes. but i held on; swallowed the liquids, straightened my face and held on. it happened again. and again. but repeatedly, i stopped my tears from overpowering.
then the happy songs cd didnt play well. and just to suit my mood, i unthinkingly put in a cd of sad songs. ok. i was thinking. it wasnt unthinking. i was just in denial. i wanted to be sad. i wanted it to suit what was going through my mind. this time was different from previously. i wanted to dwell in my sadness. i wanted to feel the pain once again. i wanted to see those painful memories again. i wanted to revisit what caused me to cry. i wanted to remember. i didnt want to let go.
i wanted to hurt again.
we exited from the customs on both sides. and i kept thinking, so this is what lorr saw every time she travelled from singapore to jb and from jb to singapore. this was what she saw when she endured long journeys to and fro on the bus. and so bored she was that she always messaged me to while away time.
it's not like i wanted to test my level of capability to be sad, or to make myself sad on purpose. it's not like i wanted to be sad to garner self-pity. but rather, it came all so suddenly. without warning. it came unexpected that it surprised me.
i just kept thinking. the memories flooded back. i couldnt stop thinking.
and eventually, i gave up. i broke.
i let my emotions betray my will.
i cried.
silently on the exterior
but wild, heartwrenching within.
and the pain still gnaws.
it still does.
Godrocksmysocks (: - 11.2.05
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
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it's chinese new year eve today! and i am a happy person! (:
i was just thinking about it.
in the west, people are getting ready for valentine's day.
in china, people are celebrating spring festival.
and in singapore we're all excited about chinese new year!
i suppose this year vday could possibly be downplayed? in a way.. i mean, generally for the chinese race. as in, it comes right after CNY i doubt it could really garner that much excitment. like people are still in the mood for CNY and so the getting ready for vday wont be a long process because people wont have the time to prolong it! similarly if vday came just a few days after hari raya or thaipusam or deewali and other festivals of our other fellow races.
CNY and vday are just so different. CNY is noisy, gaudy, loud, colourful, involving as many people as possible. whereas vday is romantic, quiet, tranquil, involving as little people as possible (but of course never going below two).
but then again, vday is just too commercialised already. if i get attached next time, i dont think i will celebrate vday. i mean, everyone celebrates it that the instrinsic value of it is downplayed and people get far too heated up about buying flowers and chocolates. like, seriously. i may be a hopeless romantic, but vday doesnt do it for me. i dont really like receiving flowers to watch them die.. and i dont really like receiving flowers from guys. ahhahahhaha. the only time i like receiving flowers is after drama or dance productions. haha those kinds melt my heart.
let me ask you a question. do you like the way you are?
Godrocksmysocks (: - 8.2.05
Thursday, February 03, 2005
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Wanna be a Reefwalk Guide?
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this sounds supersupersupersupersuper interesting!!
ahhh. how enticing. maybe i'll go next year! -beeeeeg smile.
i'm falling ill. my nose is still PMS-ing. and my throat's really weird. like, i'll always feel like coughing, though there is no phlegm and my throat isnt dry. it's really uncomfortable. and i have difficulty breathing. like i must take an extra effort just to breath.
growl.
what's wrong with me!
i'm exhausted and totally spent. like, seriously. i can only think about hot water and my bed. i need rest. my brain's over-fried.
i think something terrible is happening to me. not physically. but ahhhhh! totally bad. like, totally. boohoohoo.
anyway i'm happy the way life is now. happy and contented.
(:
//thanks to all those who came for auditions yesterday. everything is now in God's hands. may we be wise and humble in our decisions. may God's will be done.
cheerios!
Godrocksmysocks (: - 3.2.05
