can i just have one more moondance wih you. `my love.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

and so, this is me.

i am a changed person.

i want that simple lifestyle. i dont want that clamour for glamour lifestyle. i know i changed a whole lot after neglecting that i-am-so-certain-i-am-going-to-hollywood-and-make-it-so-big idealism. and that was beginning of this year. i became so different. i wanted to become a missionary instead. how different is that? you tell me. from a wannabe hollywood star to a missionary who wants to serve God only. now i want an even simplier lifestyle.

if God were to ask me to drop all i have in life right now and go and be a missionary, i will gladly obey. more than gladly actually. its like, i am willing to drop Singapore and the security+cleaniness+hygiene that comes along with it. i am willing to drop further education. i am willing to drop the hopes of earning money. i am willing to drop the well-fed, well-sheltered, well-taken care of lifestyle and venture out to the spiritually hungry. i rather be physically hungry if that means people out there need not be spiritually hungry.

am i rambling? nothing is coming out orderly. these are my thoughts and feelings displayed bare and vulnerable. i am not saying all these to try to get your sympathy or whatever. i am not trying to act so noble and humble and matyr-like so that all of you think im an angel or saint or whatever along that line. i am just writing all the barest of the barest of my thoughts. this is just what i really feel at this point in time.

i am a changed person - after the trip to china, yanling. i am not acting or pretending with you. i am not trying to hide behind a facade to act as though i have changed and benefitted from the trip and have become a better person that loves my community and loves helping and loves being kind. whether or not i have become a better person is up to you to decide. but i myself just think i have changed and i personally like the me better now.

i look at their simple lifestyles and feel immensely sad and even disgusted at my own lifestyle. i look at how they just come to us with such unconditional love and respect, it makes me puke when i think about materialism and the strive for idealism. i look at how they come to us with no strings attached, and when they say i love you, they mean it with all their hearts. when they say i miss you, they mean it with absolutely no warped intentions or suspicions. i look at even their toilets and i am so grossed out by myself being so pampered and spoilt and unappreciative of clean, semi-clean toilets with FLUSH and SEATS.

i look at how their really adore our presence and really miss us so much after we left, and that makes me cry. i cry because i miss them. dont get the idea that i enjoy the attention i get when they adore our presence and treat us like super stars. it makes me cry because i think about my own life and my own relations with the people back home and realise how complicated we are and how many million kinds of strings we have attached. so many conditions, so many requirements. but not enough energy. why cant i live my life like them? absolutely no strings attached. just the simple, relaxed, languid lifestyle. and besides, just me having to explain so much about whatever i type throughout this entry makes me sad again. its like im just so afraid of misunderstandings because people are so prone to it. and thats what adds even more to all that remorse.

i miss them so much. i miss their smiles. i miss their laughter. i miss their simplicity of nature. i miss their unassuming attitudes. i miss their love for music. i miss playing basketball and soccer with them. i miss talking to them. i even miss talking in chinese. i miss making a fool of myself in front of them if that makes them happy. i miss the canteen food. i miss walking around the whole school, marvelling at the beauty of the campus. i miss rushing to classes and meeting friendly faces along corridors and even from four floors above. i miss joking and having a good time, totally free from commitments.

and till i go back there, i wont stop missing them. so many things in Singapore i really want to share with them. like what darryl said, my heart is still in china.

that day i was teaching in one of the classes when suddenly the thought came to me that i wanted to be an english teacher in china. i mean, ive always wanted to be a drama teacher in china. but after this trip, the new thought came to me and i realised, why not? after all, my heart is in china. my heart is for china.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 23.12.04

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

wo jiu shi tao yan ji le

i detest crashing back to reality. it sucks.

i want to go back to two weeks ago.
then repeat these two weeks again, and again.
and again.

i want to see all of you again.
i want to play basketball with you all.
i want to play soccer with you all.
i want to talk to you all.
i want to share my life with you all.
i want to hear you all share your life with me.
iwanttosee-again.
grr.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 21.12.04