can i just have one more moondance wih you. `my love.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

these times

i just went to lorr's blog and i was actually hoping to see an update. but i know thats never possible. and besides, wouldnt it have been quite a scare to see an update from lorr. yet i dont know why i was still hopeful. its like a certain hopeful trepidation that grips my heart each time i go to lorr's blog.

it seems like i still find it hard to believe lorr's gone. death is such a foreign thing. morbid; fascinating but still far away, distant, foreign. death if for people who have experienced 90years of their life. not 19. death is for people who have gone through marriage, children, grandchildren and possibly great grandchildren. death is for people who have been discovered of their purpose on earth and given the chance to excel and succeed. certainly not for someone who still has the immense potential. not for someone whose life journey lays beyond the awning and the crack of dawn and that when the sun sets then rises the next morning, the silver lining brings more hope, more life, more love.

its like, sometimes i will forget about it; like just not think about it and it will disappear from my mindbank. but when suddenly i remember it again, it all hits me real hard and square in the face. and theres this certain kind of deep hollow empty feeling that gnaws at your chest from within. and it seems like your heart expanded and filled up the void within, but threatens to burst. and you can hear the breathing as your stomach knots then reknots. and even though the surroundings is heavy with sound and noise, you can hear the pandemonium of heartbeat thundering within your veins, within your ears, within the static silence.

then, again, i cannot believe it or recognise the reality. and it seems like its only possible for the truth to sink in once again only when i look at it from a detached point of view. like when i pry myself away from the me, and look at it as if to say, oh, esther's friend just passed away, then i might slowly believe it. but then ive done this countless of times over again and again.

no use dwelling, esther. move on with life.

i wonder if lorr is ever able to know what i am saying, typing, writing. like can she know that we are sad? can she know what ive ever said about this? can she ever know what i have written? like, can she see us on earth? can she know what we say?

of course i am not saying people who have passed on by will become like God - they can look down from heaven and know what we are saying they can smile down upon us and muse at the silly things we do. im just wondering if lorr, or anyone for that matter, can even know what we say? and i wonder if they can actually do so, what are they thinking about what we say? what are their reactions?

still, some stuff have happened which made me smile from ear to ear. and lifted my mood till im happy happy happy.

but you know, there is this kind of struggle within me. like, i am sad that my friend passed away. and ive been down and distressed and really very upset. yet im happy because good things happened. so am i being a hypocrite by being happy? its like as though i have some kind of a split personality, torn between the sad and the happy. and then i write about how sad i am, the upsetting situation i face. and on the other hand i write about how happy i am.. such incongruity can bring about controversy. and thats what i fear. of course i know people around me who actually do care will be glad im not so sad anymore. but it can and may extend to them thinking of it as hypocrisy. i dontknow. maybe they dont think so, and its just me.

then again, the line between the sad and the happy is just too fine to be defined. and the controversy clouds the grey areas. will anyone blame me for being happy despite my friend dying?

Godrocksmysocks (: - 10.10.04

Saturday, October 09, 2004

to philip:

i am very sorry too.
anyway i cannot email you because i dont know your full email address.
i cannot see the letters after greenskyy369@
if you still need me to email you, could you please tell me what follows your user name.
thanks.

Godrocksmysocks (: - 9.10.04